Alone??????????

Why is it we feel the need to be close to someone?  Friends, Family and of course that lovey dovey crap ( let's face it I adore the lovey dovey). 

The past year has been the worst I have ever experienced and I am hoping and praying that I never have another even come close to it. To clarify, no my marriage was not prefect and yes I mishandled my share of the issues but I never cheated physically.  I had one emotional attachment that i shouldn't have but other than that I was faithful. Not according to the Ex.  But he did have several sexual affairs and at least one emotional and long lasting affair. They had 5yrs and a child together, with me in the dark.  Now that's to say I was in the dark about them, not in the dark that my marriage sucked and no matter what I did,  it continued to suck. 

Love does not concur all...I love him, yes that's love him.  To this day I love him as much as the day I meet him if not more.  Probably more. However, all Trust and Respect have left the building, every bit of it! Oh and the Anger, i am so dam angry.  Everyday I pray it will ease, it has not.  I think because new shit keeps coming up.  The divorce was what a divorce is-messy and tainted and back stabbing, gut wrenching.  Then I did what i always do-just let him have whatever, I want out!  So, I took my kids and moved to an apartment that i really can't afford ( I will not have my kids around a bunch of hoodlum wantta b's) I am looking for a house to rent, they are cheaper (figures).  I think I found one, have to wait thou.

All this time thou, I have been utterly alone!  Family and Friends love me and support me and if I need anything they will be there. that's great!  Could you fill this whole in my heart. no, oh, well then thanks!
And really friends are very scares, the ones that I thought would be here aren't. And the ones that are, I'm not sure if I trust them.  I get why when you divorce you lose your frds now.  It sucks.

So, I still love the man that ripped my heart out and is still tearing at it.  I have finally gotten to the point that I don't call him all the time. FYI, he says the same about me, loves me, wants me, doesn't know what to do about us, said he had hope for us, yeah right.  I trust no one and believe I will be alone for ever. I don't like it at all. It is breaking me more than his betrayal of our marriage.