The kids are at camp and have been since last Thursday, they return tomorrow night late. I have been spending time with their farther, my ex-husband. I miss him, even with all the drama. Not to mention I haven't slept this well since we stopped sleeping together, and kids I mean sleep not sex. He was my husband for fourteen years and we lived together the year before that and dated the year before that so sixteen years with him means I will not be able to sleep well by myself for sometime. We where having dinner the other day and he says " I think we give this a month and then you and the kids move back in."
Whaaaaat? Really?
On what planet are you living. We had two maybe three good days so far, really no we haven't because last Thursday when the kids left and you "went out of town for work", you started a fight and called me names and made me cry again. This only works when I don't react to the way you treat me, which is still bad. Yes you give me money, for the kids and for myself. Money however doesn't change the fact that you keep treating me like a doormat. It makes you feel better about what you have done and what your doing now, but that's all.
Less then a month ago, you were telling me you loved me and that you wanted me, that you weren't seeing anyone else and that we might still have a shot, you have been telling me this off and on since April of 2011. That's when I filed, its also when you didn't stop seeing other women, and I say women because we both know She is not the only one. Wish I could say it was only 2 others, but I can't, can I.
I have been In Love with You since I was 17yrs old. I don't know how to stop, staying at your side has made me bitter and vengeful, I don't want to be! Breaking my heart has become just another pasttime for you.
I will say this, I am stronger today then I was yesterday!
I am breaking free, one piece at a time, I am breaking free....
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Remembering the Past....
I find myself thinking to much. Really its remembering that the problem. I have been thru to much, husband who cheated and is now my ex-husband but we see each other all the time, talk everyday several times a day and still have sex. I'm not seeing anyone else, he however, sees other women. I recently found out that he was sleeping with a friend of mine for several months. I first confronted them four months ago and they both got mad and tryed to make me feel bad for even thinking such a thing. Then they got into it and he admitted it. She is engaged to be married. Does everyone cheat? I don't get it. I'm no angle either. When I knew he was cheating I would talk to other men. I didn't sleep with them, but it was the emotional fix I needed.
Now, I am divorced and wanting to be married. I can't be married to him thou, we fight to much and even thou I love him, I don't trust him at all. He also sleeps with the same woman he cheated on me with for 5yrs. And there are others, women he has worked with and I don't know what else. Most of them knew he was married with children. They don't care. I am so broken from all of this. I don't know my place and it is killing me.
Now, I am divorced and wanting to be married. I can't be married to him thou, we fight to much and even thou I love him, I don't trust him at all. He also sleeps with the same woman he cheated on me with for 5yrs. And there are others, women he has worked with and I don't know what else. Most of them knew he was married with children. They don't care. I am so broken from all of this. I don't know my place and it is killing me.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The Fruit of My Loins!
Teenagers....I have two and feel like I am qualified to say the following: most days they suck the life right out of you. The Drama and Trauma they put their parents thru is incredible.
Now don't misunderstand, I love my children, I will fight for them first and then ask questions in most cases. They just require a lot of work. So, I will also say this getting pregnant while not only was a privilege for me it is a legal binding contract with not just them, but the Universe as a whole. I am a God fearing woman and I will always be. For those of you who are not, I respect your right to choose that path. I will not preach to you, I am not equipped for that. Just know that if you break this contract and abuse or mistreat a child, the Universe will exact its revenge. FIRM BELIEVER.
Anywhoo,
My children-one boy and one girl. My Irish Twins. They are 11 months apart. As a whole they are wonderful children, they are however, typical teenagers. They hate each other and everything about each other, they want the other to go live with the ex or die! Oh, but as an outsider you better shut your mouth and not say a word to the other for fear they will attack you like two lion cubs on the hunt.
Every morning is a dubious array of where's my and did you take, mom she/he wont give it back, great you drank all the milk....Moooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Ugh i just want to smack them both and its not even 630 am yet. On the bright side I only have 4 more years with them before they go to collage, I am sure in opposite directions....Loves of my life!
Now don't misunderstand, I love my children, I will fight for them first and then ask questions in most cases. They just require a lot of work. So, I will also say this getting pregnant while not only was a privilege for me it is a legal binding contract with not just them, but the Universe as a whole. I am a God fearing woman and I will always be. For those of you who are not, I respect your right to choose that path. I will not preach to you, I am not equipped for that. Just know that if you break this contract and abuse or mistreat a child, the Universe will exact its revenge. FIRM BELIEVER.
Anywhoo,
My children-one boy and one girl. My Irish Twins. They are 11 months apart. As a whole they are wonderful children, they are however, typical teenagers. They hate each other and everything about each other, they want the other to go live with the ex or die! Oh, but as an outsider you better shut your mouth and not say a word to the other for fear they will attack you like two lion cubs on the hunt.
Every morning is a dubious array of where's my and did you take, mom she/he wont give it back, great you drank all the milk....Moooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Ugh i just want to smack them both and its not even 630 am yet. On the bright side I only have 4 more years with them before they go to collage, I am sure in opposite directions....Loves of my life!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Really...
Today is like every other day. Sun rises and the minutes go by. People have there plans and agendas, they are getting on with the business of living and I applaud them. Once in a while I REALLY want to be like them. to have my plans and activities that I need to do. For the most part I do have them, but that black cloud has found me again and is sucking the life out of me. DEPRESSION. It is my kryptonite I can not run from it, if it is anywhere in the room it brings me to my knees and lately it has been at my side.
Most don't understand it, they say just get up and be happy. Why? is the first thing that comes to mind, then the mind takes over with all its doubt and plague of what a loser you are. EVEN THOU I REALLY DO LIKE MYSELF, I BELIEVE I AM AWESOME AND CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT. This cloud takes it all away from me.
Most don't understand it, they say just get up and be happy. Why? is the first thing that comes to mind, then the mind takes over with all its doubt and plague of what a loser you are. EVEN THOU I REALLY DO LIKE MYSELF, I BELIEVE I AM AWESOME AND CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT. This cloud takes it all away from me.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Happy Happy Joy Joy!
So I believe I woke up on the Right sside of the bed for a change.....Super Excited about it. I have lost 4lbs so far. Yea Me! I had a great evening and morning with my daughter, which speaks volumes, as she is 13. I know and exspect her & I to buttheads on a daily basis....woohoo us! I am hoping all of you will have a wonderful day!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Alone??????????
Why is it we feel the need to be close to someone? Friends, Family and of course that lovey dovey crap ( let's face it I adore the lovey dovey).
The past year has been the worst I have ever experienced and I am hoping and praying that I never have another even come close to it. To clarify, no my marriage was not prefect and yes I mishandled my share of the issues but I never cheated physically. I had one emotional attachment that i shouldn't have but other than that I was faithful. Not according to the Ex. But he did have several sexual affairs and at least one emotional and long lasting affair. They had 5yrs and a child together, with me in the dark. Now that's to say I was in the dark about them, not in the dark that my marriage sucked and no matter what I did, it continued to suck.
Love does not concur all...I love him, yes that's love him. To this day I love him as much as the day I meet him if not more. Probably more. However, all Trust and Respect have left the building, every bit of it! Oh and the Anger, i am so dam angry. Everyday I pray it will ease, it has not. I think because new shit keeps coming up. The divorce was what a divorce is-messy and tainted and back stabbing, gut wrenching. Then I did what i always do-just let him have whatever, I want out! So, I took my kids and moved to an apartment that i really can't afford ( I will not have my kids around a bunch of hoodlum wantta b's) I am looking for a house to rent, they are cheaper (figures). I think I found one, have to wait thou.
All this time thou, I have been utterly alone! Family and Friends love me and support me and if I need anything they will be there. that's great! Could you fill this whole in my heart. no, oh, well then thanks!
And really friends are very scares, the ones that I thought would be here aren't. And the ones that are, I'm not sure if I trust them. I get why when you divorce you lose your frds now. It sucks.
So, I still love the man that ripped my heart out and is still tearing at it. I have finally gotten to the point that I don't call him all the time. FYI, he says the same about me, loves me, wants me, doesn't know what to do about us, said he had hope for us, yeah right. I trust no one and believe I will be alone for ever. I don't like it at all. It is breaking me more than his betrayal of our marriage.
The past year has been the worst I have ever experienced and I am hoping and praying that I never have another even come close to it. To clarify, no my marriage was not prefect and yes I mishandled my share of the issues but I never cheated physically. I had one emotional attachment that i shouldn't have but other than that I was faithful. Not according to the Ex. But he did have several sexual affairs and at least one emotional and long lasting affair. They had 5yrs and a child together, with me in the dark. Now that's to say I was in the dark about them, not in the dark that my marriage sucked and no matter what I did, it continued to suck.
Love does not concur all...I love him, yes that's love him. To this day I love him as much as the day I meet him if not more. Probably more. However, all Trust and Respect have left the building, every bit of it! Oh and the Anger, i am so dam angry. Everyday I pray it will ease, it has not. I think because new shit keeps coming up. The divorce was what a divorce is-messy and tainted and back stabbing, gut wrenching. Then I did what i always do-just let him have whatever, I want out! So, I took my kids and moved to an apartment that i really can't afford ( I will not have my kids around a bunch of hoodlum wantta b's) I am looking for a house to rent, they are cheaper (figures). I think I found one, have to wait thou.
All this time thou, I have been utterly alone! Family and Friends love me and support me and if I need anything they will be there. that's great! Could you fill this whole in my heart. no, oh, well then thanks!
And really friends are very scares, the ones that I thought would be here aren't. And the ones that are, I'm not sure if I trust them. I get why when you divorce you lose your frds now. It sucks.
So, I still love the man that ripped my heart out and is still tearing at it. I have finally gotten to the point that I don't call him all the time. FYI, he says the same about me, loves me, wants me, doesn't know what to do about us, said he had hope for us, yeah right. I trust no one and believe I will be alone for ever. I don't like it at all. It is breaking me more than his betrayal of our marriage.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
"The Almighty Dollar"
I am at that point where you see what's in the grocery cart and the lady at the register says that'll be...And you think, "What the hell, last week I bought 3x's as much and it cost less!"
BILL is my most hated 4 letter word. (oh I can and do cuss like a sailor when provoked)
Thinking of investing in a good quality color printer. I hear that's the way to make your own $$$$. I have a good job, I put in my 8-5 and yet, not enough money. Yes I get my child support every two weeks. I would like to start saving some of it for these lovely teenagers I am raising. Seems like everytime I lay out a plan to get things done/in order/paid in full/what have you. I get hit again with the oh yeah i forgot/need to get this/something comes up! Ugh & Grrr!
Yes i know I have always had financial issues, I like to spend money. However, as a single mother, I don't spend like I use to. I don't shop at all. If I am at the store it's because we NEED something. I no longer see something and buy it. I take care of my bills and the extras that pop up here and there. There is no extra, telling teens this is like telling my dog she is really a bird. I always feel guilty for not being able to do the extras and the Ex is no help, with his I am going to do all of the things we told them we would do when we were married but I couldn't be bothered because I was with my girlfirend and our new baby. Yes, he has a child with his ex girlfriend that was his girlfriend when we were married. Another story for another day!
Point is, I am broke, and tired of it. JUST SAYIN'!
BILL is my most hated 4 letter word. (oh I can and do cuss like a sailor when provoked)
Thinking of investing in a good quality color printer. I hear that's the way to make your own $$$$. I have a good job, I put in my 8-5 and yet, not enough money. Yes I get my child support every two weeks. I would like to start saving some of it for these lovely teenagers I am raising. Seems like everytime I lay out a plan to get things done/in order/paid in full/what have you. I get hit again with the oh yeah i forgot/need to get this/something comes up! Ugh & Grrr!
Yes i know I have always had financial issues, I like to spend money. However, as a single mother, I don't spend like I use to. I don't shop at all. If I am at the store it's because we NEED something. I no longer see something and buy it. I take care of my bills and the extras that pop up here and there. There is no extra, telling teens this is like telling my dog she is really a bird. I always feel guilty for not being able to do the extras and the Ex is no help, with his I am going to do all of the things we told them we would do when we were married but I couldn't be bothered because I was with my girlfirend and our new baby. Yes, he has a child with his ex girlfriend that was his girlfriend when we were married. Another story for another day!
Point is, I am broke, and tired of it. JUST SAYIN'!
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